Toxic Friendships

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Toxic Friendships,

by Sharon Luscombe - Counsellor

Out of the Ashes Counselling Australia

We all go through ups and downs in life. However, as we journey forward with the effort to improve and be a better version of ourselves, it can be easy to revert backwards. This is because there is comfort in the familiar. This is also true when it comes to the people we allow into our lives. As we add and remove people from our friendship circles, due to differing circumstances, it's important to remember why we did this with the aim of moving forwards, not backwards. The friendships we have should build us up, not bring us down. After spending time with a friend, ask yourself this question, "Am I feeling mentally drained, exhausted or like I've been pushed down instead of being built up?" If the answer is yes, it may be time to have a good look at that particular friendship and evaluate whether it is a healthy friendship or a toxic friendship.

Today let's look at what a toxic friendship looks like.

Friendships have their good days and bad days. However a true friend will always apologize after they settle down. A toxic friend will not normally show any sign of remorse or regret even when they know they've made you feel bad. Their behaviour usually follows a pattern that doesn't really change for the better.

Some signs of a toxic friend;

• They Put You Down - Friends joke around and have fun together and that's a great part of a good friendship, but when a friend regularly demeans you, insults you and makes you feel miserable, this can be a sign of a toxic person.

• They Have To Be The Centre of Attention, Always - This type of friend will burden their friend with their problems and go on for hours about themselves, but when their friends need them, they're nowhere to be found! After talking about themselves they may ask how you are, but the conversation is very quickly turned around to be all about them , again!

• They Leave You Feeling Unsettled - When we spend time with a good friend, we should feel good, like we've eaten a comforting meal. If when we spend time with a friend, we leave feeling relieved, uneasy and we don't look forward to seeing them again, it can be time to examine that particular friendship.

• They Gossip About You - Have you ever experienced a time where you shared information with a friend hoping it would remain confidential only to find out that most of your friends now know about it? Someone who consistently breaks your trust doesn't really care very much about how you feel or your friendship.

• They Compare You To Others and Try And Change You - We are all unique and different and that's a good thing. Life would be very boring if we were all the same and a good friend will appreciate you for who you are. A friend who tells you that you'd be a better friend if you dressed like so and so, or if you had a nicer home or you just really don't compare to another friend of theirs or they try to use peer pressure to get you to do things ( that you might not feel comfortable to do) is not a true friend.

Toxic friendships can have major impacts on us, and not in a good way. We can experience stress, loneliness, isolation, lack of support, our self esteem and confidence can plummet, we can blame ourselves not only for their behaviour but for allowing ourselves to be caught up in a friendship like that, we can feel off balance and our other friendships can also suffer.

If you have given your friend a second chance and explained how their behaviour has made you feel, using I statements, eg; "I feel hurt when you put me down all the time" but there has been no change, it may be time to end the friendship. If you want to try and keep your friendship and see how things go, setting boundaries around this friendship is key! You might tell your friend that if they continue to make jokes at your expense or put you down that you won't be able to spend time with them. Taking some time out from the friendship can also of benefit. This will give you time to reflect on the friendships pros and cons and whether or not you feel comfortable to continue with the friendship. If while having some time to yourself you feel substantially better at the thought of not having to see them, this is quite a strong reason to consider ending the friendship.

If after some careful thought and consideration you decide to end the friendship, think about how you might go about it. The amount of detail you provide to them is up to you, however it is important to be direct. Be aware that a toxic person will often try and turn the blame onto you and may even become angry or aggressive. Try not to respond, stay calm, be direct, state your reason and then leave.

A toxic friendship can leave you feeling confused, embarrassed and wary of trusting people. It is important to open up to someone you can trust, a good friend, your partner or a parent and talk about how you feel and what you went through.

Now it's time to heal.......

You've been through something painful it's time to take time for yourself, get some quality sleep, spend time with family and loved ones and enjoy the things that you like to do.

Healing takes time, be gentle with yourself.

Photo - Max van den Oetelaar

If you are going through the healing process from a toxic friendship and need someone to talk to, as always, don't do life alone.

Call Out of the Ashes Counselling Australia to book an appointment. PH: 0431433690