Wandering Eyes,
by Sharon Luscombe - Counsellor
Out of the Ashes Counselling Australia
Have you ever seen your spouse seemingly quite interested in checking out someone of the opposite sex? Yes this can be the case with either the husband or the wife in a marriage. However, more often than not, it is usually the men that have a problem in this area. Sorry guys! This is because men are attracted by what they see and women are more attracted emotionally. Men are actually wired to look at women and their brain rewards them by releasing neurochemicals that make them feel amazing when they see an attractive woman. It all begins when a boy starts to go through puberty. Their hormones are going crazy and their bodies are changing from a child into an adult, even though their brains are still quite immature and need some time to catch up to everything else that's going on. The sight of an attractive girl makes them feel incredible and looking at girls becomes a great thing to do. You could say that it becomes a habit or the normal thing to do. They're single, no harm right? This is the way they noticed their wife before they became a couple. This is how he was attracted to you in the first place. The way this behaviour becomes a problem for a married couple is when the behaviour continues after marriage. Remember your vows - forsaking all others, being faithful? Yes, checking out other women while married is considered in some circles to be a form of cheating. The men may protest and say that they're only looking, they 're only admiring their assets, no harm right? For some men, looking is the start of a downhill slide to adultery, which sadly, for many couples leads to the end of their relationship.
So how do we address this issue in a healthy manner?
Talk to your spouse - When you see your husband checking out another women, find a good time to sit down and talk about how his behaviour makes you feel. It is important, even though it may be hard to do, to stay calm and express yourself so that he understands exactly how you feel, allowing time for each partner to have their say. Listen to each other with the mindset of being sincere in trying to understand each other's viewpoints. Always use I statements, eg; "I feel really hurt when I see you enjoying looking at other women" or "I feel like that behaviour could damage our relationship."
Learn to Bounce Your Eyes Guys - This is a great way to break that habit. For most men, they mean no harm. It's just that the teenage habit has continued into adulthood and marriage and they think nothing of it. In fact, many men are shocked when they realize they are still doing it, as they don't even realize and they are remorseful because of the way it makes their wife feel. However, it is definitely something that can be controlled and the habit broken. After a while, the "normal" behaviour will be to bounce your eyes automatically.
How do we bounce our eyes?
Say your down the street and an attractive woman catches your eye. Straight away, turn your eyes away and look at your wife, if she's not with you just look at something else, as long as you've turned away. Then, turn your mind to your wife. Think about those things you love about her, your plans together, your family etc. After doing this over time, it will come naturally to you and replace the old habit.
When bouncing your eyes, it's not done with a big song and dance - "Hey look at me and what I'm doing!" It's a subtle move and will show your wife that you love and value her and the relationship you have together.
Girls Encourage Your Man - Many women become quite triggered by their husband's interest in other women and respond out of those triggers. This is where, as hard as it can be, try and leave your husband's behaviour in the past and as a couple move forward in a positive manner together.
Your man will improve in leaps and bounds when he knows that you see that he is trying and you express your appreciation at his willingness to change his habits. Every so often when you see your husband subtly turn his eyes away, tell him how much it means to you that he's chosen to value and respect you and your relationship together.
Photo- Priscilla Du Preez ca
If you are struggling in your marriage with wandering eyes or any other challenges, as always don't do life alone. Call Out of The Ashes Counselling Australia and make an appointment today. PH - 0431433690
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